I get annoyed with myself for not keeping up. I don’t think I am a procrastinator but I do think there are many things in life I will never get done. None of these things are terribly important and some of them I have never set about doing. Mostly I think about them and sometimes talk about doing them. Thinking about something and talking about it do not get it done. I am caring less and less about these things than I did 2 or 3 years ago.
The fact that it has been a year and a half since I last blogged is because I was busy and I did not feel sure about blogging. To me, blogging is about putting information into the environment and hoping someone will read it. Lately I am having reservations about blogging my thoughts. I haven’t had many philosophical thoughts or academic thoughts or humanitarian thoughts that are new or original. Lately I am finding it easier to be content and relaxed if I limit my thoughts to 1) what I am doing at the time and 2} something physical and something reflective. As a caregiver I am a problem solver. Taking a break from problem solving is often impossible because the older I get the more problems I see. (Sometimes seeing is a problem like sleeping is or moving or digesting, all can be problems). Being content takes work, or at least requires the ability to make changes. As a recovering Borderline, I have found it necessary to become content by cognitive means rather than emotional means. This is a change. My customary belief has been that emotions work faster to “get my own way”. For many years of unhappiness I purposed to find safety and comfort. Now, as I share this with you, remember that as I become an elder my thinking is more crystallized and less fluid.
I have been content not blogging. Perhaps if my motives about blogging were apparent to me I would not blog at all. Yet here I am thinking more than one thought at a time and trying to make the paper understand. Today I was listening to Sara Groves sing about being “open like a lake”. In the song she is struggling because the hurt and the pain of the stories she holds “are wrapping like a tether tightening around the soul.” Maybe that is my problem – except it isn’t. I was made (like the design of all females - to open up and warmly invite.) My problem is I take things in that do not belong to me. If I am the caregiver then what is it I am caring for? The whole universe?
My friend wrote to me about living in Texas in constant fire alert, always smelling smoke. Tribulation. Trouble. Another friend is nearing the end of her life. She is permanently attached to an oxygen cannula and awakens every day; happy to still be alive. How do we learn to be content in all circumstances? Why should I want anything different if it is what and where I am for now? Being content should not make me lazy – heavens no –but if I can I should care for what is in front of me and believe that my motives are pure. I do not have to go after, endorse or consider every opportunity available in my environment. I do not have to be a leader in every group. I do not have to have 4398 friends on Facebook. I do not have to always be growing the garden or writing the book or being a great cook, sought after teacher, therapist or customer. I can be the best wife my husband ever had. I can be a kind neighbor, a loving friend, a dedicated daughter, mother and grandmother. I can be content today in this space. The hard part is practice. No one becomes an expert in the hard things of life without practice.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Outer Limits
Decision-making is a lifelong process. The older I get the simpler I would like things to be – including decision-making. I think when I watch shows on TV or at the movies I categorize them as truth or fiction before anything else. Of the many categories I choose to classify and store information truth or fiction are the first. It saves me a lot of time. Either or, this or that binary content analysis - only 2 things. In our information choices, we have so many things to choose that Binary content analysis is the only measurable instrument (tool) I have come across that might be helpful to figure out what is real (truth) and what is not i.e.; deception. Throughout mankind and throughout western civilization it was something that caused the species to survive. Darwin, perhaps believed that the species evolved because of what he thought he saw, I on the other hand write about what I believe I have seen because I have been able to look. I would like to report what I have seen with my eyes and tested with my heart (gut), history and experience.
According to scientific theory, an incident must be able to be replicated in order to be a fact. As we begin the 21st century (there are still 90 more years in this century and that will encompass at least 3 or 4 generations) we have to figure out something more than fantasy to survive. The generations we are now nurturing have to know there is a higher way to live than to self-serve. As we look at our education statistics, our prison population, our healthcare dollars as well as our charity we can see how much we need to unite as well as make good choices. For a democracy of people who love liberty and law, and as a civilization that promotes health, peace, prosperity and justice we are pretty self-serving. Perhaps rightly so. We have fought hard for generations to win the right to self-government, to have justice when corruption is always lurking and to have the right to do almost anything we want. Certainly we can say anything we want that is the truth. Lying isn’t really acceptable so folks cover up their lies. People sue other people for money and slander if they lie. Sometimes it helps; many times it makes no difference. People rise and fall in the land of opportunity on the wave of public opinion. Not so in countries ruled by terror.
Darwin’s theories of evolution (if I am recalling my 9th grade science class) is the theory that species change and evolve in order to survive the climate and circumstances of the environment. The environment can be the family as well as the weather, soil and water.
When politics, economics, health and welfare become the environment for family life, or tribal or clan life, it is important for leaders of the family, tribe or nation to talk about and to support health and welfare if indeed it is the leaders responsibility.
As a leader in health and welfare, I have a responsibility to educate the population for which I am responsible. Like a staff sergeant over a squad, a lieutenant over a platoon, or a shepherd over a flock I believe I am called to sound the clarion call for the end of the age and to pursue wisdom and compassion. Always the enemy, selfish ambition and ignorance continue to thwart the process.
The shift in generations (agricultural/industrial) through the century (technological/informational) to the end (digital to?) will be transformational. As one who is a bridge to that end I would like you to think about what I am going to say.
To think about thinking is a developmental process. Even in our informational age, the thoughts we have are categorical and are retrieved through a developmental process, yet for us to make “ourselves” we have to feel the experience. To think about the feeling of the experience is the thing that often gives us life and affects our soul.
One of the sad things about technology is that it has no soul. It may be fast, it may provide physical nourishment, and exercise and health but it still has no soul. It may keep us safe, it may transport us more distance than we have ever been but it has no soul. It may provide entertainment, information and sexual satisfaction but still it has no soul.
A great tool, this computer and this Internet. It can deliver many things and sometimes even the truth.
According to scientific theory, an incident must be able to be replicated in order to be a fact. As we begin the 21st century (there are still 90 more years in this century and that will encompass at least 3 or 4 generations) we have to figure out something more than fantasy to survive. The generations we are now nurturing have to know there is a higher way to live than to self-serve. As we look at our education statistics, our prison population, our healthcare dollars as well as our charity we can see how much we need to unite as well as make good choices. For a democracy of people who love liberty and law, and as a civilization that promotes health, peace, prosperity and justice we are pretty self-serving. Perhaps rightly so. We have fought hard for generations to win the right to self-government, to have justice when corruption is always lurking and to have the right to do almost anything we want. Certainly we can say anything we want that is the truth. Lying isn’t really acceptable so folks cover up their lies. People sue other people for money and slander if they lie. Sometimes it helps; many times it makes no difference. People rise and fall in the land of opportunity on the wave of public opinion. Not so in countries ruled by terror.
Darwin’s theories of evolution (if I am recalling my 9th grade science class) is the theory that species change and evolve in order to survive the climate and circumstances of the environment. The environment can be the family as well as the weather, soil and water.
When politics, economics, health and welfare become the environment for family life, or tribal or clan life, it is important for leaders of the family, tribe or nation to talk about and to support health and welfare if indeed it is the leaders responsibility.
As a leader in health and welfare, I have a responsibility to educate the population for which I am responsible. Like a staff sergeant over a squad, a lieutenant over a platoon, or a shepherd over a flock I believe I am called to sound the clarion call for the end of the age and to pursue wisdom and compassion. Always the enemy, selfish ambition and ignorance continue to thwart the process.
The shift in generations (agricultural/industrial) through the century (technological/informational) to the end (digital to?) will be transformational. As one who is a bridge to that end I would like you to think about what I am going to say.
To think about thinking is a developmental process. Even in our informational age, the thoughts we have are categorical and are retrieved through a developmental process, yet for us to make “ourselves” we have to feel the experience. To think about the feeling of the experience is the thing that often gives us life and affects our soul.
One of the sad things about technology is that it has no soul. It may be fast, it may provide physical nourishment, and exercise and health but it still has no soul. It may keep us safe, it may transport us more distance than we have ever been but it has no soul. It may provide entertainment, information and sexual satisfaction but still it has no soul.
A great tool, this computer and this Internet. It can deliver many things and sometimes even the truth.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Putting away "Christmas"
Today is News Year’s day. The Rose Parade is over. The College Bowl games have begun. Now it is time to put away decorations, tree, candles and manger scenes. I remember a short few weeks ago when I was thinking about the process of “getting out Christmas”. This usually entails finding the boxes, examining the contents and deciding what should go where, what should stay and what should not. This year I was sick. I had picked up a virus on an airplane and lost my ability to speak. I was struggling some days with a cough and a runny nose and at times a fever. One day I wanted to stay in bed and sweat and sleep, believing that the process would kill the germ and I would recover. The idea of finding and displaying Christmas decorations, baking cookies, sending cards and shopping was more than I could handle.
“Will Jesus Christ still be the Son of God if we don’t put up decorations or buy presents?” I asked my husband. He assured me it was so but encouraged me to declare the holiday we celebrate.
I think it really should be impossible to put Christmas Away. The celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ and the story of redemption has turned into a “season of holidays”. Many Conservative Christians object to the world taking over the season and trying to dismiss the birth of the Savior. Because we have “always had Christmas (it came via Europe and the UK.) Christianity has spread from one generation to another much like a virus. Or a light into darkness. . perhaps a philosophy, the group of people who follow The Book.
When I “get Christmas decorations out” of the storage and begin to decorate, my purpose is to stimulate and celebrate tradition. I unpack the past, a wonderful “magical story” from history and for my family and in many respects for the future.
I believe that time waits for no man (or woman) and as soon as possible we should go onto a path or get ready to make a big shift in our thinking. Christmas seems to get closer and come and go faster every year. I have celebrated more Christmases in the past than I will probably celebrate in the future. Over the years my family has encouraged parts of the celebration and we have participated in the local community to share with them. As our family migrates - marries, goes to college, the armed services or gets a job that dictates a geographical move; our connection to the souls of our family members are often tethered by seasons of life; death, birth, illnesses and holiday traditions. As a woman, it is my role in my family in my home to be in charge of the celebration and that means continuing and preserving tradition. When we add people and Christmases (time) to our years we develop a belief and philosophy that we pass on to our future generations.
So today is 1/1/11. The second decade of the 21st century. People send e-cards and they are strangers to who I am and how I celebrate “the holiday season”. My season is holy with a capital “H” because of how narrow yet joyful it is. I put up fewer decorations because I am old and it takes a lot of work. It also takes time and part of my tradition is ‘more resting’ and ‘less doing’ during this holy time.
So, as much as I would like the season to continue, the more time I am wasting to finish the tasks of the Christmas season. I am putting these Christmas things away while the bowl game plays on the TV. The food is minimal but festive because we have no visitors; but if entertainment was part of the tradition than I am sunk during the “holidays”.
I thought about the broken hearts, the sorrowful moods and the disappointed, thwarted expectations that abounded in the airports, hotels, gas stops, and train stations because of snowstorms, mud slides, floods and wind this Christmas season. (2010) In my own reading of the Bible I have learned that God is in the whirlwind, the floods and the storms. Here in this in-between week I begin thinking about revving up from my rest and hit the ground running. . Or I can stretch out the post holiday time into “thinking about 2011 (taxes, travel. Etc). My friend Winnie calls it jubilee. She calls it this because of the way she reads the Bible. She doesn’t think about taxes or travel before she prays and fasts and asks God to direct her mission over the next year. She sees the reality of the soil and the harvest on the planet and she knows what the Bible says about farming and fishing. Reaping and sowing. Seasons and storms.
So how do I stretch out this personal, restful, holy time? This year I am going to try to rest more and trust more and read more and maybe write more – if time doesn’t get away from me. Thanks for coming back to read this. Penny
“Will Jesus Christ still be the Son of God if we don’t put up decorations or buy presents?” I asked my husband. He assured me it was so but encouraged me to declare the holiday we celebrate.
I think it really should be impossible to put Christmas Away. The celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ and the story of redemption has turned into a “season of holidays”. Many Conservative Christians object to the world taking over the season and trying to dismiss the birth of the Savior. Because we have “always had Christmas (it came via Europe and the UK.) Christianity has spread from one generation to another much like a virus. Or a light into darkness. . perhaps a philosophy, the group of people who follow The Book.
When I “get Christmas decorations out” of the storage and begin to decorate, my purpose is to stimulate and celebrate tradition. I unpack the past, a wonderful “magical story” from history and for my family and in many respects for the future.
I believe that time waits for no man (or woman) and as soon as possible we should go onto a path or get ready to make a big shift in our thinking. Christmas seems to get closer and come and go faster every year. I have celebrated more Christmases in the past than I will probably celebrate in the future. Over the years my family has encouraged parts of the celebration and we have participated in the local community to share with them. As our family migrates - marries, goes to college, the armed services or gets a job that dictates a geographical move; our connection to the souls of our family members are often tethered by seasons of life; death, birth, illnesses and holiday traditions. As a woman, it is my role in my family in my home to be in charge of the celebration and that means continuing and preserving tradition. When we add people and Christmases (time) to our years we develop a belief and philosophy that we pass on to our future generations.
So today is 1/1/11. The second decade of the 21st century. People send e-cards and they are strangers to who I am and how I celebrate “the holiday season”. My season is holy with a capital “H” because of how narrow yet joyful it is. I put up fewer decorations because I am old and it takes a lot of work. It also takes time and part of my tradition is ‘more resting’ and ‘less doing’ during this holy time.
So, as much as I would like the season to continue, the more time I am wasting to finish the tasks of the Christmas season. I am putting these Christmas things away while the bowl game plays on the TV. The food is minimal but festive because we have no visitors; but if entertainment was part of the tradition than I am sunk during the “holidays”.
I thought about the broken hearts, the sorrowful moods and the disappointed, thwarted expectations that abounded in the airports, hotels, gas stops, and train stations because of snowstorms, mud slides, floods and wind this Christmas season. (2010) In my own reading of the Bible I have learned that God is in the whirlwind, the floods and the storms. Here in this in-between week I begin thinking about revving up from my rest and hit the ground running. . Or I can stretch out the post holiday time into “thinking about 2011 (taxes, travel. Etc). My friend Winnie calls it jubilee. She calls it this because of the way she reads the Bible. She doesn’t think about taxes or travel before she prays and fasts and asks God to direct her mission over the next year. She sees the reality of the soil and the harvest on the planet and she knows what the Bible says about farming and fishing. Reaping and sowing. Seasons and storms.
So how do I stretch out this personal, restful, holy time? This year I am going to try to rest more and trust more and read more and maybe write more – if time doesn’t get away from me. Thanks for coming back to read this. Penny
Friday, April 9, 2010
Omigosh it is April!
The other day I cut a gardening schedule out of the newspaper. Today I scoured for weeds and hoped for survival of plants that made it or lived through another one of the coldest winters in Florida. April came so suddenly – I heard the weatherman say it was warming up at least 5 or six times since the end of January. Sometimes it got up to 50 for a day – I still must wear fleece, scarf and gloves when I walk and it is 50 degrees. We normally enjoy short winters in Florida. Those of us who live in West Central Coastal Florida believe we have the best of both worlds: sunshine during the day and a cozy fireplace at night.
So now it is April and about time to put the heavier clothes away and think about global warming again. As a female I think of April in terms of birthdays, clocks to adjust, Easter Holiday, the last part of the school year, spring break and how much weight I gained over the winter. As an employer I think about the end of the first fiscal quarter, paying taxes, planning and development this year, and quality assurance check ups. As a Floridian I think about snowbirds going away and real butterflies and flowers and heat and bugs and hurricanes and a quiet slow lifestyle. As a Christian I ask myself if I will get depressed again in April.
Isn’t that strange? For most of my life if I was going to get “down” it is usually in April. Why should that be? By nature women are cyclic creatures, their biology ebbs and flows with the tide and cycle of the moon. It takes each of us almost 40 or 50 years to figure out our bodies through periods, pregnancy and sex and clothes and our own expectations. I am now in my 6th decade and I know what I am allergic to, how many calories I can eat combined with the exercise I get and what kind of clothes I want to wear. Some counselors advise that our emotional and spiritual clock is also cyclic. Does it matter that my mom died in April? Or that twice in my life I was attacked by a stranger in two different states eight years apart but both times in April?
I love that we celebrate Easter in April, new life, the resurrected Christ, Flowers, baby chicks and chocolate candy. For years I used the candy to settle my angst that might become anger or depression. Those years when I felt I could overcome without the candy I would need long naps and sad movies (Schindler’s List is a great cure for depression). These days I am happy to slow down, spend time alone and think about how I feel, process it and realize clinical depression is a pretty self-centered mood. Depression means my brain cells are not connecting freely. I might feel bored, weepy, and sorry for myself or ticked off.
The problem with clinical depression is that needing “to wind yourself up everyday” means you just are not energetic and excited about life. Maybe something you love is lost – gone forever. Being in that part of your brain to find the feelings, the moods, the words and the sludge that we become (sometimes every month for a few days) require exploration to improve it. It becomes like cleaning a closet: the longer it has gone with out attention and the more stuff that is stuffed there, the more painful it is to go there. We would rather blame someone or something else on our sorry state or take a pill or a piece of chocolate to make ourselves feel better.
The more we learn about ourselves as humans the more we either expose our unlovely parts or cover them over and hide them. – Or perhaps we are so used to them inside of us we don’t realize how unlovely these parts are and how they affect others. I think one of the unloveliest parts of myself is my conceit. Another part is my deceit – to myself about myself. When I don’t live up to my own standards and others do not see what I think they should see to be healthy and happy, I get tired of trying or I beat myself up and shake my manipulative finger at the others and feel sad over the sin, the loss the darkness. The conceit is the belief that if I am doing my part in the world it should be a better place: not so broken, not so sad and dying. As if I am God’s gift to the world! The reality is that Jesus is God’s gift and although He is mine, I am also His – thankful for His grace and “willing” to serve Him in whatever capacity. Willing of course until it is too hard, too uncomfortable, painful and depressing or I become the worm, the slug, the sludge that I feel I am. Good thing my feelings are not the truth of my actual state. As a Christians the truth of my state is Galatians 2:20 – “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” How can I be depressed about that?
So now it is April and about time to put the heavier clothes away and think about global warming again. As a female I think of April in terms of birthdays, clocks to adjust, Easter Holiday, the last part of the school year, spring break and how much weight I gained over the winter. As an employer I think about the end of the first fiscal quarter, paying taxes, planning and development this year, and quality assurance check ups. As a Floridian I think about snowbirds going away and real butterflies and flowers and heat and bugs and hurricanes and a quiet slow lifestyle. As a Christian I ask myself if I will get depressed again in April.
Isn’t that strange? For most of my life if I was going to get “down” it is usually in April. Why should that be? By nature women are cyclic creatures, their biology ebbs and flows with the tide and cycle of the moon. It takes each of us almost 40 or 50 years to figure out our bodies through periods, pregnancy and sex and clothes and our own expectations. I am now in my 6th decade and I know what I am allergic to, how many calories I can eat combined with the exercise I get and what kind of clothes I want to wear. Some counselors advise that our emotional and spiritual clock is also cyclic. Does it matter that my mom died in April? Or that twice in my life I was attacked by a stranger in two different states eight years apart but both times in April?
I love that we celebrate Easter in April, new life, the resurrected Christ, Flowers, baby chicks and chocolate candy. For years I used the candy to settle my angst that might become anger or depression. Those years when I felt I could overcome without the candy I would need long naps and sad movies (Schindler’s List is a great cure for depression). These days I am happy to slow down, spend time alone and think about how I feel, process it and realize clinical depression is a pretty self-centered mood. Depression means my brain cells are not connecting freely. I might feel bored, weepy, and sorry for myself or ticked off.
The problem with clinical depression is that needing “to wind yourself up everyday” means you just are not energetic and excited about life. Maybe something you love is lost – gone forever. Being in that part of your brain to find the feelings, the moods, the words and the sludge that we become (sometimes every month for a few days) require exploration to improve it. It becomes like cleaning a closet: the longer it has gone with out attention and the more stuff that is stuffed there, the more painful it is to go there. We would rather blame someone or something else on our sorry state or take a pill or a piece of chocolate to make ourselves feel better.
The more we learn about ourselves as humans the more we either expose our unlovely parts or cover them over and hide them. – Or perhaps we are so used to them inside of us we don’t realize how unlovely these parts are and how they affect others. I think one of the unloveliest parts of myself is my conceit. Another part is my deceit – to myself about myself. When I don’t live up to my own standards and others do not see what I think they should see to be healthy and happy, I get tired of trying or I beat myself up and shake my manipulative finger at the others and feel sad over the sin, the loss the darkness. The conceit is the belief that if I am doing my part in the world it should be a better place: not so broken, not so sad and dying. As if I am God’s gift to the world! The reality is that Jesus is God’s gift and although He is mine, I am also His – thankful for His grace and “willing” to serve Him in whatever capacity. Willing of course until it is too hard, too uncomfortable, painful and depressing or I become the worm, the slug, the sludge that I feel I am. Good thing my feelings are not the truth of my actual state. As a Christians the truth of my state is Galatians 2:20 – “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” How can I be depressed about that?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Seeing your Kids on Christmas
When the holidays happen I am reminded of the “trauma” some children experience by the forced separation from one parent for an indeterminate period of time. Celebration of holidays with family members is one way that families, even ones who are separated because of divorce, build relationships, observe traditions and shape a sense of family. My own child was a product of divorce since age 2. For 12 years every Christmas we went to the airport and he became an “unaccompanied minor”. The experience of separation for the parents is difficult as well. We try to make the best of it, just as the child does. The difference between the adults and the children in this experience of visitation is that as adults we come to know the child and hope to relate through what we, as adults want to provide as an experience. We want it to be attractive (fun) for the child and hopefully memorable, and one, which the child will choose to return to, we hope. This, of course, is depending on what our circumstances are in the relationship.
As parents we want to have some modem of control because we have the responsibility for our offspring even when we are not with them. The first time I put my 4-year-old son on an airplane by himself, I envisioned his umbilical cord dragging out of my womb and being stretched as a string by a highflying kite. I did not rejoice. Nor could I dwell on the physicalness of the pain. Instead, I distracted myself with my pre-mother, non-mother self – the one who could take long baths, sleep late, eat with conversation – have other, uninterrupted relationships with friends and with work and play. I did not consider how it felt to be 4 years old on a jet plane for the first time without either parent. Could this have been my child’s first traumatic stress?
We know that children are the product of temperament, environment, genetic structure, health, education and welfare. Trauma is relative. Whether it is a war torn country or war in the courts between parents, it affects the health and welfare of children nonetheless. The minute parents divorce, hope begins to fade like cut flowers who lose their source of life. Children lose the light that was in their eyes. Up to the age of 8 they may develop somatic symptoms (bed wetting, poor eating habits, stomach and headaches) as well as behavioral drama that gets some result – otherwise it doesn’t continue. Whether trauma is abuse, hospitalization, the death of a parent or sibling, or divorce – it changes kids. It is easy; if you are the parent with the child, to blame the symptoms on the other visiting parent. If you question the child enough to satisfy your curiosity about what really happened at the visitation, the child will believe you do not trust him or her or that he must betray the other parent to satisfy you.
When I was a kid we played games like “Baby in the Middle”. It was fun if you weren’t the baby or it didn’t last too long. Otherwise it was destructive teasing. Teasing makes smaller younger children feel less loved and protected. It is an easy diversion for older siblings who need to feel more powerful because of loss and frustration. Everyone loses in divorce but parents are very distracted by the huge change in their own health and welfare. They have little time to think about their children’s trauma without becoming sorrowfully mired or powerfully angry.
Courts and attorneys get involved and the health and welfare of the community reigns down of the family.
Sometime ago I was asked by a divorcing father – “What is the most important thing that children need from their parents to be mentally healthy?”
I was impressed that he chose the word healthy instead of happy.
“The most important thing that kids need,” I said, “is to see their parents loving and respecting each other.”
“What is the next most important thing? ”, he said.
“Seeing them” I replied.
We live in an incredibly busy and scary world. We have continuous opportunities to be distracted away from relationship. Just sleeping in the same home together can foster relationship or it can detract from being known if everyone is encouraged to interact in another direction. Parents love to buy toys for their children so the children can look happy and be distracted by the toys. I’m sorry, but even an interactive toy like a Wii or a DSI has no soul. Physical touch, face-to-face interaction with a story or game will at least create eye contact if not a shared floor, table, or sofa space. Lap sitting and story telling provide a comfort as the parent’s voice resonates with breathing as the parent shares a book with their child(ren).
Having visitation often means sacrificing time and money to journey with the child, experience events with the child, converse with the child, and listen to the child. It is a huge temptation to ask questions or talk about the other parent. In a solid household kids can do this. They may ask one parent about the other parent’s motive. The parents may turf a problem or a question to the other parent through the child – “Go ask your mom –“. This doesn’t happen so much during visitation. The child is the most familiar with the parent that is the most consistent and the one he spends the most time with. Being a baby in the middle, the child wants to keep both parents happy and betray neither. It is necessary for survival. Once the survival mentality surfaces, the child, by definition is feeling insecure and no longer experiences secure attachment. Distrust of someone or something has entered their life. The Princess has touched the spinning wheel. The Squire is threatened by the dragon and brandishes the shield and sword. Now both parents have new minefields to navigate.
I meet children everyday that have such disastrous visitation schedules they have no permanent home. They travel equally between households from an early age and have some difficulty making sense of their worlds. Because of poor object relations and individuation as infants and toddlers, they become crippled with poor speech and language skills as well as attachment disordered behavior.
So what can we do? Is there an answer? I think parents need to have a long-term plan. When possible, they need to share the same space with the child in healthy productive ways. Fear and anger in the parents prevent this. For some reason two people who planted and nurtured a seed together continue to disappoint each other. Their feelings are hurt; one or both believe they cannot live with the humiliation of rejection. Talk is good for this. Counseling is good for this. Counseling is good even if it means getting the screaming done before being around the kids. Talk about rules, try to be consistent. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle - keep them out of the adult hierarchy. Please do not sacrifice them as pawns just to kill the queen or put the king in checkmate.
Consider each other as teammates on a workforce. Imagine you are in the business of bringing this baby into adulthood with some sense of security. Find a way to communicate in unemotional ways that make sense. – e-mail, and texting are both helpful. Take the high road. You slept with this person – naked. Be kind. The frustration only lasts the child’s lifetime but if the relationships improve they become less frustrating and the children become healthier.
Enjoy visitation. It will never be long enough. You will not get to accomplish everything you planned. Make eye contact, not with angry eyebrows and grumpy countenance but with kindness, compassion and good listening skills. Learn love languages. (see Chapman1995) This child will always be your child; you will always be the parent. The circumstances created for your child are your combined responsibility.
As parents we want to have some modem of control because we have the responsibility for our offspring even when we are not with them. The first time I put my 4-year-old son on an airplane by himself, I envisioned his umbilical cord dragging out of my womb and being stretched as a string by a highflying kite. I did not rejoice. Nor could I dwell on the physicalness of the pain. Instead, I distracted myself with my pre-mother, non-mother self – the one who could take long baths, sleep late, eat with conversation – have other, uninterrupted relationships with friends and with work and play. I did not consider how it felt to be 4 years old on a jet plane for the first time without either parent. Could this have been my child’s first traumatic stress?
We know that children are the product of temperament, environment, genetic structure, health, education and welfare. Trauma is relative. Whether it is a war torn country or war in the courts between parents, it affects the health and welfare of children nonetheless. The minute parents divorce, hope begins to fade like cut flowers who lose their source of life. Children lose the light that was in their eyes. Up to the age of 8 they may develop somatic symptoms (bed wetting, poor eating habits, stomach and headaches) as well as behavioral drama that gets some result – otherwise it doesn’t continue. Whether trauma is abuse, hospitalization, the death of a parent or sibling, or divorce – it changes kids. It is easy; if you are the parent with the child, to blame the symptoms on the other visiting parent. If you question the child enough to satisfy your curiosity about what really happened at the visitation, the child will believe you do not trust him or her or that he must betray the other parent to satisfy you.
When I was a kid we played games like “Baby in the Middle”. It was fun if you weren’t the baby or it didn’t last too long. Otherwise it was destructive teasing. Teasing makes smaller younger children feel less loved and protected. It is an easy diversion for older siblings who need to feel more powerful because of loss and frustration. Everyone loses in divorce but parents are very distracted by the huge change in their own health and welfare. They have little time to think about their children’s trauma without becoming sorrowfully mired or powerfully angry.
Courts and attorneys get involved and the health and welfare of the community reigns down of the family.
Sometime ago I was asked by a divorcing father – “What is the most important thing that children need from their parents to be mentally healthy?”
I was impressed that he chose the word healthy instead of happy.
“The most important thing that kids need,” I said, “is to see their parents loving and respecting each other.”
“What is the next most important thing? ”, he said.
“Seeing them” I replied.
We live in an incredibly busy and scary world. We have continuous opportunities to be distracted away from relationship. Just sleeping in the same home together can foster relationship or it can detract from being known if everyone is encouraged to interact in another direction. Parents love to buy toys for their children so the children can look happy and be distracted by the toys. I’m sorry, but even an interactive toy like a Wii or a DSI has no soul. Physical touch, face-to-face interaction with a story or game will at least create eye contact if not a shared floor, table, or sofa space. Lap sitting and story telling provide a comfort as the parent’s voice resonates with breathing as the parent shares a book with their child(ren).
Having visitation often means sacrificing time and money to journey with the child, experience events with the child, converse with the child, and listen to the child. It is a huge temptation to ask questions or talk about the other parent. In a solid household kids can do this. They may ask one parent about the other parent’s motive. The parents may turf a problem or a question to the other parent through the child – “Go ask your mom –“. This doesn’t happen so much during visitation. The child is the most familiar with the parent that is the most consistent and the one he spends the most time with. Being a baby in the middle, the child wants to keep both parents happy and betray neither. It is necessary for survival. Once the survival mentality surfaces, the child, by definition is feeling insecure and no longer experiences secure attachment. Distrust of someone or something has entered their life. The Princess has touched the spinning wheel. The Squire is threatened by the dragon and brandishes the shield and sword. Now both parents have new minefields to navigate.
I meet children everyday that have such disastrous visitation schedules they have no permanent home. They travel equally between households from an early age and have some difficulty making sense of their worlds. Because of poor object relations and individuation as infants and toddlers, they become crippled with poor speech and language skills as well as attachment disordered behavior.
So what can we do? Is there an answer? I think parents need to have a long-term plan. When possible, they need to share the same space with the child in healthy productive ways. Fear and anger in the parents prevent this. For some reason two people who planted and nurtured a seed together continue to disappoint each other. Their feelings are hurt; one or both believe they cannot live with the humiliation of rejection. Talk is good for this. Counseling is good for this. Counseling is good even if it means getting the screaming done before being around the kids. Talk about rules, try to be consistent. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle - keep them out of the adult hierarchy. Please do not sacrifice them as pawns just to kill the queen or put the king in checkmate.
Consider each other as teammates on a workforce. Imagine you are in the business of bringing this baby into adulthood with some sense of security. Find a way to communicate in unemotional ways that make sense. – e-mail, and texting are both helpful. Take the high road. You slept with this person – naked. Be kind. The frustration only lasts the child’s lifetime but if the relationships improve they become less frustrating and the children become healthier.
Enjoy visitation. It will never be long enough. You will not get to accomplish everything you planned. Make eye contact, not with angry eyebrows and grumpy countenance but with kindness, compassion and good listening skills. Learn love languages. (see Chapman1995) This child will always be your child; you will always be the parent. The circumstances created for your child are your combined responsibility.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Football Season
At our house football season lasts from August to February. My husband is especially fond of the University of Florida team. Here, 55 miles SW of Gainesville Florida he considers himself to be part of the Gator Nation. Every week we have been privileged to watch Tim Tebow perform exceptionally (even against Alabama last week).
As I watch these men move this ball back and forth between the goal posts I am struck by how this is such a metaphor for how men do life. I believe that God designed men to do three things, that is they have 3 drives;
1.) To pursue and have dominion over
2.) To tend and to keep
3.) To bear fruit and multiply
I cannot take credit for this notion, I found it in a women’s Bible study years ago and it seems to make sense. Men’s brains are changed when they are being formed in the womb as little baby boys – epinephrine flows over half of the developing brain and changes the corpus callosum so that the hemispheres are not so easily accessible to men as they are to women. Female brain cells connect like starbursts or fireworks. Men’s neurons connect more like a pattern of circuit boards: one at a time. Yet moving a football is done the same way, with carefully thought out plays using skills from each teammate. Downs, yards, feet and sometimes inches at a time the football is moved in one direction. These men think about little else while they are moving this football. There is no idle chatter in any part of their brain like so many of us women have. Once the yards are made, the team wants to keep them. Once there is a touchdown, then the fruit of all this is a win.
In our house having dominion over means having control of the television clicker. Pursuing means knowing what time, which games are on, and how to find them on the TV. Tending and keeping means the Gators do not give up any yards they have made and bearing fruit and multiplying means stacking up SEC conference championships. As I have been paying more attention to the Gators play this year (Tim Tebow and his face black are interesting to me) I am learning more about the game. For instance, I recently realized that the receiver has a pretty good idea about where the quarterback intends to throw the ball. The secret hope is that the opponent does not know this.
This is what I wrote about football before I started paying attention:
It is difficult for me to get into football. I know it is a game that many people enjoy watching. They make and spend a lot of money doing this activity as an organized sport. Some of the guys are pretty sexy. My sister in-law once said she liked the way their butts looked. I’m not sure she understood that they wore padding. If they are not padded our little boys and big men would get hurt. The point of the game is to move a funny, oval looking “ball” –pigskin is an acceptable term, I think, down a long field to the goal. You have to carry it over. The 11 other men are going to try to stop you in anyway they think they can within the rules. Many of the men (or little boys) who do this “bulk up”. That is they eat and play so that they can get bigger and stronger and get hurt less and win more often. Winning means more accolades, more opportunity to play, more chances to keep playing in high school or college or professional ball. If you go that far you probably had a really good coach or you listened to the ones that you had. Or maybe you wanted it so bad you did whatever it took.
Some men (and women) like to watch football, even if they don’t play it. They know the rules and they know the teams and the coaches and the group they play for. Sometimes the teams represent schools or leagues. Teams from these schools or in these leagues represent a geographical area like a state or a region. Being a fan means you belong to a group of other people who also are fans. Sometimes you want other people to know that you are a fan of a particular team by the clothes that you wear. Or the way you decorate your office or your home. When I was at the college of Nursing at the University of Florida, my office came with blue walls and orange chairs and carpet. Hard to tie together.
I mentioned the alligator I saw on a professor’s computer. Said to her, “So you are a gator fan – “ She looked back at me with a look of rebuke, “No I am a gator.” Football has its political moments as well.
I was a cheerleader in high school for political reasons. When I went to a new school my freshman year, 2 of my friends were the most popular girls in our small class. Little did I know (until our 35th class reunion) that they had been new girls too. They were my friends and one was in the concert choir and one was a cheerleader. Singing was not hard for me, I came from a musical family, however, and cartwheels and jumps were going be tough on a 15 year old who was 35 pounds over weight. Then there was the problem of uniform. In those days it was a pleated skirt that came to our knees and a pull over varsity sweater for football. I made the team my sophomore year because I had practiced with my friends in the neighborhood who were always trying out. In the year I tried out, only 9 people did so. One was a boy geek and I got picked over him. I didn’t care that the reason was appearance and gender (I couldn’t jump any higher than he could jump), but I did know that I had less acne. The point was that I was a cheerleader and this would go in the yearbook and that was my semi- goal toward the end of my school years.) The football season cheerleading uniform was a problem. I had to pin the skirt because the button wouldn’t button and the zipper wouldn’t zip. Then I pulled the sweater down over that. Pretty miserable but the football team was not very good so I didn’t have to jump very high or do any cartwheels. I could cheer loud and sing the school song.
I never paid much attention to the rules. I know that sometimes when the guys in the striped shirts went out to measure, we were taught to kneel at the sidelines and then we might turn around and shout “First in ten! Do it again!” The rest of the time it was usually “Keep em back , keep em back waaaay BACK! I don’t think we even scored in football that season.
It was fun to yell and be part of the group that went on the bus to away games. It was fun to wear the cheerleading uniform on Fridays and to the school dances if I went. That is all I know about football.
As I watch these men move this ball back and forth between the goal posts I am struck by how this is such a metaphor for how men do life. I believe that God designed men to do three things, that is they have 3 drives;
1.) To pursue and have dominion over
2.) To tend and to keep
3.) To bear fruit and multiply
I cannot take credit for this notion, I found it in a women’s Bible study years ago and it seems to make sense. Men’s brains are changed when they are being formed in the womb as little baby boys – epinephrine flows over half of the developing brain and changes the corpus callosum so that the hemispheres are not so easily accessible to men as they are to women. Female brain cells connect like starbursts or fireworks. Men’s neurons connect more like a pattern of circuit boards: one at a time. Yet moving a football is done the same way, with carefully thought out plays using skills from each teammate. Downs, yards, feet and sometimes inches at a time the football is moved in one direction. These men think about little else while they are moving this football. There is no idle chatter in any part of their brain like so many of us women have. Once the yards are made, the team wants to keep them. Once there is a touchdown, then the fruit of all this is a win.
In our house having dominion over means having control of the television clicker. Pursuing means knowing what time, which games are on, and how to find them on the TV. Tending and keeping means the Gators do not give up any yards they have made and bearing fruit and multiplying means stacking up SEC conference championships. As I have been paying more attention to the Gators play this year (Tim Tebow and his face black are interesting to me) I am learning more about the game. For instance, I recently realized that the receiver has a pretty good idea about where the quarterback intends to throw the ball. The secret hope is that the opponent does not know this.
This is what I wrote about football before I started paying attention:
It is difficult for me to get into football. I know it is a game that many people enjoy watching. They make and spend a lot of money doing this activity as an organized sport. Some of the guys are pretty sexy. My sister in-law once said she liked the way their butts looked. I’m not sure she understood that they wore padding. If they are not padded our little boys and big men would get hurt. The point of the game is to move a funny, oval looking “ball” –pigskin is an acceptable term, I think, down a long field to the goal. You have to carry it over. The 11 other men are going to try to stop you in anyway they think they can within the rules. Many of the men (or little boys) who do this “bulk up”. That is they eat and play so that they can get bigger and stronger and get hurt less and win more often. Winning means more accolades, more opportunity to play, more chances to keep playing in high school or college or professional ball. If you go that far you probably had a really good coach or you listened to the ones that you had. Or maybe you wanted it so bad you did whatever it took.
Some men (and women) like to watch football, even if they don’t play it. They know the rules and they know the teams and the coaches and the group they play for. Sometimes the teams represent schools or leagues. Teams from these schools or in these leagues represent a geographical area like a state or a region. Being a fan means you belong to a group of other people who also are fans. Sometimes you want other people to know that you are a fan of a particular team by the clothes that you wear. Or the way you decorate your office or your home. When I was at the college of Nursing at the University of Florida, my office came with blue walls and orange chairs and carpet. Hard to tie together.
I mentioned the alligator I saw on a professor’s computer. Said to her, “So you are a gator fan – “ She looked back at me with a look of rebuke, “No I am a gator.” Football has its political moments as well.
I was a cheerleader in high school for political reasons. When I went to a new school my freshman year, 2 of my friends were the most popular girls in our small class. Little did I know (until our 35th class reunion) that they had been new girls too. They were my friends and one was in the concert choir and one was a cheerleader. Singing was not hard for me, I came from a musical family, however, and cartwheels and jumps were going be tough on a 15 year old who was 35 pounds over weight. Then there was the problem of uniform. In those days it was a pleated skirt that came to our knees and a pull over varsity sweater for football. I made the team my sophomore year because I had practiced with my friends in the neighborhood who were always trying out. In the year I tried out, only 9 people did so. One was a boy geek and I got picked over him. I didn’t care that the reason was appearance and gender (I couldn’t jump any higher than he could jump), but I did know that I had less acne. The point was that I was a cheerleader and this would go in the yearbook and that was my semi- goal toward the end of my school years.) The football season cheerleading uniform was a problem. I had to pin the skirt because the button wouldn’t button and the zipper wouldn’t zip. Then I pulled the sweater down over that. Pretty miserable but the football team was not very good so I didn’t have to jump very high or do any cartwheels. I could cheer loud and sing the school song.
I never paid much attention to the rules. I know that sometimes when the guys in the striped shirts went out to measure, we were taught to kneel at the sidelines and then we might turn around and shout “First in ten! Do it again!” The rest of the time it was usually “Keep em back , keep em back waaaay BACK! I don’t think we even scored in football that season.
It was fun to yell and be part of the group that went on the bus to away games. It was fun to wear the cheerleading uniform on Fridays and to the school dances if I went. That is all I know about football.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Speeding
When we tell stories to our children about themselves, we give them attributes. The way that children perceive themselves and their “world” gives way to their growth and how they develop. The human’s self survival nature helps babies, toddlers and children survive their lives with the help of adults who at times are amateurs in their role and job as parents.
I had 2 parents and I am a middle child. I have been an angry and obese child most of my life but denied the anger and ignored the obesity because of my “intellect” and my selfishness. My mother was –to me- a force to be recon “ed” with as was her mother. My father, on the other hand was Mr. Cleaver although he lived with a different June than Beaver had for a mom. I don’t know if that is why I like to move (wiggle – squirm- wander-chew-swallow) any way, I only started thinking about and making sense of my own body for the past 5 years. It has gotten much older in a shorter period of time than I ever anticipated. It still moves okay and it still works everyday but it is becoming more of a minimalist in its thinking.
Sometimes my body seems to do things with out a lot of attending on my part. It still drives a car and it still walks and talks and eats and sleeps okay, but I really should pay more attention to it and what it is doing. And as I am paying attention to it I should get it to do my bidding.
“ Sir, I know I was going 10 miles over the speed limit but it was a very short distance and no one else – except the police officer- was on the road – it was only 45 in a 35, not 90 in a 15- I thought I was already in ( my home town) where it is 45 when I saw him pass me. L I was not speeding when his light went on behind me.” “He could have had mercy – but he did not.”
So should I pay the fine – which is terribly outrageous for a small town with only one road to travel- or protest the injustice, plea about the recession, bear the shame of breaking the law- and take the points on my license? I would like to put Officer L (not his real name, lest he say I am badgering him) in a situation where I might show him mercy or I might want to teach the young one about respect for the elderly, mercy, trust and community.
My sweet neighbor says – “So you are so special that you should not have a ticket for speeding?” That’s what they would call on That 70’s Show a ‘burn’. I thought, maybe he just thought I could afford it because my car is only 2 years old and I have lived in this town for such a long time and I have built an agency that gets $ (from turnips mostly) . . . if I spoke those words out loud she would think I was self centered and paranoid.
And after I spoke with the chief of police and the officer’s sergeant – and got a polite but intimidating “ma’m, we don’t make the speed limit, we don’t get this money – we don’t set the fines - you can talk to the judge”.
I guess my attitude is that the bills are high enough in my neighborhood, why do I have to support yours just because you watch and wait for a reason for us (me and my fellow towns people) to break the law and pay for your needs through very high fines. So I was caught in a speed trap that has been there for 28 years as I have been – but I think I am above the law because I am old?
I think I expected forgiveness and grace. I forgot that I cannot break mans laws with out penalty. The cost of my lawbreaking (fence leaping, territory traveling nature) is treated differently in the world than it is in the Kingdom of Jesus Christ. Yes he does want us to obey government no matter how little liberty is left to us in this world. But in His eternal story about his children He gives us grace because we are lawbreakers by nature. Why did God allow this unfortunate circumstance to descend upon me? Perhaps to show me my vanity and selfishness. Perhaps to show me my nature and encourage me to be more mindful. (and realize once again that I am angry at not having my own way). Perhaps it was for good.
I had 2 parents and I am a middle child. I have been an angry and obese child most of my life but denied the anger and ignored the obesity because of my “intellect” and my selfishness. My mother was –to me- a force to be recon “ed” with as was her mother. My father, on the other hand was Mr. Cleaver although he lived with a different June than Beaver had for a mom. I don’t know if that is why I like to move (wiggle – squirm- wander-chew-swallow) any way, I only started thinking about and making sense of my own body for the past 5 years. It has gotten much older in a shorter period of time than I ever anticipated. It still moves okay and it still works everyday but it is becoming more of a minimalist in its thinking.
Sometimes my body seems to do things with out a lot of attending on my part. It still drives a car and it still walks and talks and eats and sleeps okay, but I really should pay more attention to it and what it is doing. And as I am paying attention to it I should get it to do my bidding.
“ Sir, I know I was going 10 miles over the speed limit but it was a very short distance and no one else – except the police officer- was on the road – it was only 45 in a 35, not 90 in a 15- I thought I was already in ( my home town) where it is 45 when I saw him pass me. L I was not speeding when his light went on behind me.” “He could have had mercy – but he did not.”
So should I pay the fine – which is terribly outrageous for a small town with only one road to travel- or protest the injustice, plea about the recession, bear the shame of breaking the law- and take the points on my license? I would like to put Officer L (not his real name, lest he say I am badgering him) in a situation where I might show him mercy or I might want to teach the young one about respect for the elderly, mercy, trust and community.
My sweet neighbor says – “So you are so special that you should not have a ticket for speeding?” That’s what they would call on That 70’s Show a ‘burn’. I thought, maybe he just thought I could afford it because my car is only 2 years old and I have lived in this town for such a long time and I have built an agency that gets $ (from turnips mostly) . . . if I spoke those words out loud she would think I was self centered and paranoid.
And after I spoke with the chief of police and the officer’s sergeant – and got a polite but intimidating “ma’m, we don’t make the speed limit, we don’t get this money – we don’t set the fines - you can talk to the judge”.
I guess my attitude is that the bills are high enough in my neighborhood, why do I have to support yours just because you watch and wait for a reason for us (me and my fellow towns people) to break the law and pay for your needs through very high fines. So I was caught in a speed trap that has been there for 28 years as I have been – but I think I am above the law because I am old?
I think I expected forgiveness and grace. I forgot that I cannot break mans laws with out penalty. The cost of my lawbreaking (fence leaping, territory traveling nature) is treated differently in the world than it is in the Kingdom of Jesus Christ. Yes he does want us to obey government no matter how little liberty is left to us in this world. But in His eternal story about his children He gives us grace because we are lawbreakers by nature. Why did God allow this unfortunate circumstance to descend upon me? Perhaps to show me my vanity and selfishness. Perhaps to show me my nature and encourage me to be more mindful. (and realize once again that I am angry at not having my own way). Perhaps it was for good.
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